Tree of Life



Have you ever thought about how amazing trees are?

I know you’re going to think I’ve lost my mind but I’m starting to get the feeling that spending time with trees might be the key to greatness.

Percy Shaw is the man who invented “cat’s eyes”, the reflectors you see at night in the road that must have saved countless lives. On Youtube I watched a documentary about Percy from 1968. At one point they show his factory in Halifax. Sticking out of a hole in the roof, you see the top branches of a tree. The factory was built around the tree. Alan Whicker’s narration explains, “…Sentimental as any no-nonsense Yorkshireman, he made sure, when he was boss, that the woodmen spared the sycamore he climbed as a child”. Percy’s sycamore is not the only tree that was important to historical pioneers.

The orchard at Woolsthorpe Manor in Lincolnshire has a special apple tree. In 1666, an apple fell from it and made Isaac Newton ask the question; Why do apples always fall straight down? That apple tree gave Newton the inspiration for his work and helped him become one of the most influential scientists of all time. Without Newton’s work on gravity and his laws of motion, we would never have been able to fly to the moon.

Another tree plays a part in man’s conquest of space. Robert Goddard was an American engineer, professor, physicist and inventor. He built the world’s first liquid-fueled rocket.

With his team, he launched 34 rockets between 1926 and 1941. NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center is named after him.

He grew up in Boston and at the age of 17, on October 19, 1899, he climbed a cherry tree. He was transfixed by the sky. Later he wrote, “On this day I climbed a tall cherry tree at the back of the barn and as I looked toward the fields at the east, I imagined how wonderful it would be to make some device which had the possibility of ascending to Mars”. For the rest of his life Goddard called October 19, “Anniversary Day”.

He moved his rocket testing equipment to New Mexico and would go back to Boston and visit the cherry tree and wrote about it in his journal:

“October 19th, 1927 – Got rocket weighed and ready in the afternoon. Stopped at cherry tree at 6pm”.

“October 19th 1928 – Took out trailer to farm, with Sachs. Went out to cherry tree”.

“October 19th 1932 – Worked on flow patterns in afternoon. Went to cherry tree – Anniversary Day”.

In the autumn of 1938, Goddard got a letter from a friend in Massachusetts telling him that the cherry tree had been uprooted on a nor’easter. In his journal that night, he wrote, “Cherry tree down – have to carry on alone”.

Percy Shaw, Newton and Goddard’s connection to trees got me thinking about how important trees might be. Buddha reached enlightenment as he sat and meditated under a tree. Why do we decorate a tree at Christmas?

Do trees have a connection to the universe? They’re directly connected to the earth through their roots, they interact with the atmosphere through their branches and their leaves absorb energy from the sun that has traveled millions of miles through space. Do trees communicate with the universe? If you spend time with them, is inspiration one of their fruits. Does spending time with trees bring good luck?

It would explain why we say, touch wood!

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London Calling


Tony HendraIn the latest episode of my show for America, part 2 of my chat with British satirist Tony Hendra. He lives in New York and talks about alcohol, his amazing life and work, which touches Monty Python, Saturday Night Live, George Carlin and beyond. He explains how he discovered John Belushi and Chevy Chase and what it was like being recognised by a hippy taxi driver after his appearance in This Is Spinal Tap.

As well as that, there’s a look at what’s been happening in Britain, including wild weather, the thing holding back electric vehicles, tattoos, why the British Prime Minister and the Queen are a disgrace to women and a hero policeman talks about rescuing a dog from a frozen lake.

Listen to Episode 60 of London Calling, here;

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Ken Dodd


Ken Dodd
“Ken Dodd’s backstage timing his act – with a calendar”.

I’m pretty sure it was Bob Monkhouse who said that at one of the Royal Variety shows.

I never got to meet Doddy, but I was lucky enough to see him perform live and once I interviewed him over the phone for my radio show. I asked him where he gets his jokes from. He told me that he gets inspiration all of the time while he’s doing other things, often while shaving. He said the trick is to write ideas down before you forget them and he always writes them on his hands. He said, “They’re all doing it now you know, I shook hands with a fella yesterday and got a wonderful script!”

I asked him why his shows go on for so long. He said, “Well when you come to see me, it’s like being at a party and if it’s a good party, you don’t want to leave early, no one likes a party pooper”.

For Ken and those close to him, the party’s over and at 90, you can’t accuse him of leaving early. For the rest of us who enjoyed what he did, thanks to DVDs, Youtube and TV tributes, the party will go on longer than any of his shows did.

Rest In Peace Ken, thanks for the happiness.

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WQSA_NBC-NIS_clock_1975_R“How did we accumulate so much junk?” That’s the question I found myself asking as we start getting rid of the stuff that’s not coming with us when we move.

It turns out, the answer to that question is really simple and so is the solution to the problem. There’s also a lesson to be learned about radio programming.

The problem is that there’s only a finite amount of space. As you accumulate more stuff, that does not change. It’s the same with a formatted radio hour. There are only 60 minutes in each hour. I’ve tried to explain this to program directors over the years and some of them have had a hard time grasping the concept of the 60 minute hour.

When they ask for a new feature or extra song to be added, I always ask them, “What do you want me to take out?” This usually produces a confused look from them and some have actually said to me, “I don’t want you to take anything out”.

I’ve had radio programmers get angry and behave as if I’ve personally insulted them if I’ve dropped a playlist song because I’ve added a piece of compelling content like a really good caller (that the programmer said they really enjoyed) somewhere else in the hour. They’ll even suggest I should have moved the caller to a different part of the hour as if the action of moving it, magically creates more minutes in that hour.

In this universe, time and space don’t expand to make room for what we want to put into them. When you add something, you have to ask yourselves, what am I going to throw out?

When we bought our new computer, we didn’t get rid of our old computer, it just went into the back of a cupboard. The same thing happens with clothes, shoes, books, you name it.

From now on, when something new comes in, something else has to go. It’s one in, one out.

Homes are like radio shows, if you just keep adding stuff without throwing anything out, you just end up with clutter.

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This week, the two most powerful women in Britain are sucking up to a representative of a regime that regards women as second class citizens.

In Saudi Arabia, women need to be accompanied by a male guardian known as a ‘mahram’, whenever they leave the house. The guardian is often a relative and will accompany women on all of their errands, including shopping trips and visits to the doctor.

The majority of public buildings in Saudi Arabia, including offices, banks and universities have separate entrances for women. Public transport, parks, beaches and amusement parks are also segregated. Unlawful mixing leads to criminal charges being brought against both parties, but women typically face the harsher punishment. In one extreme case, a teenager reported that she had been gang-raped, but because she was not with a mahram when it happened, she was given more lashes than one of her alleged rapists.

While the South African government practiced their system of apartheid, the United Kingdom (and 24 other nations, including the United States) passed laws placing trade sanctions on that country. What Saudi Arabia practices today is gender apartheid.

Britain has no sanctions against Saudi Arabia, in fact the situation is the opposite. There are more than 200 joint ventures between British and Saudi Companies, worth $17.5 billion. Saudi Arabia is the United Kingdom’s primary trading partner in the Middle East.

Right now the Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, is in the UK on what is effectively a state visit. It includes lunch with the Queen and a day with the Prime Minister, two people who wouldn’t be allowed to even open a bank account without their husband’s permission in his country.

The timing of the prince’s visit couldn’t be worse because it coincided with International Women’s Day.

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Filthy fossil fuel burning cars are here to stay, unfortunately.

Electric vehicles should be the future of transport. Vehicles that burn fossil fuels are putting toxic chemicals into the atmosphere. Electric vehicles will not catch on in Britain unless there’s a big change. Unfortunately there is no sign of that change any time soon.

The thing that is holding back EV ownership is not the vehicle manufacturers or the infrastructure, it’s something else entirely.

I would LOVE to own an electric car but it’s impractical, even though I’m a fan of EVs, I can’t get one because I won’t be able to charge it at home. One of the biggest bonuses of electric car ownership is the fact that you’ll never need to visit a petrol station. If you plug in at home, you always wake up to a full tank and home charging lets you use off-peak electricity, meaning you can drive for pennies per mile.

Julie and I live in a rented, first floor flat in a large block. There’s no power anywhere near our designated parking space and as we don’t own the property, we would need permission from the landlord to install something and it would be very expensive.

We’ve decided to buy our own place and have been house hunting recently. We’ve been looking at new-builds because that way, we qualify for the government’s Help-to-Buy scheme. None of the places we’ve looked at have a designated place to plug in an electric vehicle. A couple of the houses we saw did have a place next to the house where you could park and possibly have a charging point fitted, but there was no wiring there. Terraced houses and townhouses are a no-go unless you can park right outside, off the street.

Houses are tricky but new flats are impossible. NONE of the brand new blocks of flats we saw had charging points near the designated parking spaces or any way to get power there without digging up the car park and running cables underground. Even if you managed that, you’d still have to connect it to your own personal electricity meter. The flat we’re looking to buy right now is on the third floor so that would be tricky.

You’d think that new homes being built right now would be set up for the future. The British government has made it clear that the sale of all diesel and petrol cars will be banned by 2040. Is anyone thinking about how we’re going to charge all of the electric vehicles that replace them in 22 years time?

It’s strange that a lot of the houses we looked at, came with solar panels on the roof but nowhere to charge an electric vehicle. With fossil fuel cars on the way out, homes being built right now should be being built with charging points, at least as an option.

I know you can charge your new electric vehicle at a charging station but unless you own a Tesla and live near a supercharger, that’s going to be expensive and inconvenient. To get a decent charge you have to be connected for a long time. There are two charging stations in a car park not far from where we live now. Saturday lunch time, I drove past and noticed both were being used. A Renault Zoe and a BMW i3 were plugged into them, in so if I had an electric car now and needed to charge it on Saturday, I wouldn’t have been able to.

The people who’ll benefit the most from electric vehicle ownership are the less well off, because electric cars are much cheaper to run and maintain. The paradox is that electric cars are a lot more expensive to buy and to charge them at home, you have to own your own detached or semi-detached house with a driveway next to it or in front of it, so only the well-off can afford electric cars.

The ban on fossil fuel vehicles is one thing but along with that we need regulations that make it compulsory for builders to supply a parking space with an electric vehicle charging point with every new home.

Along with “Help-To-Buy”, we need Help-to-Detoxify!

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It’s a shame that we don’t always recognise an omen until after the event.

The severe weather we’ve been having in Britain lately has reminded me of the time I survived a crossing of the English Channel in bad weather.

About 20 years ago, I was the presenter of the Breakfast Show on 2CR FM, a radio station in Bournemouth. We did a promotion with Condor Ferries. They flew us over to Jersey from Southampton. We did the Show from a hotel the next morning and came back on the Condor Ferry which was a jet-cat.

This jet-cat was big. Cars and trucks were loaded on with a few hundred people. It was fast as well, which I think is what made it even more uncomfortable. Nearly everyone was seasick, it was horrific and terrifying!

At one point, I remember looking at this frightened little girl a few seats away from us, she was about 8 years old. I turned away to look at something else for a second and when I turned back it looked like she’d exploded! She was covered in sick.

I think she’d thrown up while we were on the top of a wave, then the boat had dropped so the spew was suspended in mid air for a second then gravity kicked in, the puke obeyed Newton’s first law of motion and it all landed on top of her.

I should have known it wasn’t going to be a pleasant journey because I saw an Omen the day before. Condor Ferries had done a marketing campaign with a slogan about the jet-cat called, “I Love My Cat”, only the word “love” was a picture of a heart, like the old, “I (heart) New York” thing.

In St Helier, a car had gone past us with a Condor Ferries bumper sticker on and the slogan, “I (heart) my cat” but someone had coloured in the heart with black marker pen so the heart looked like a spade. In effect it said, “I SPADE my cat”.

I didn’t understand the significance at the time but now it’s obvious.  Although, it wasn’t planned, twenty-four hours later, a lot of us onboard the ‘Vomit Comet’, were having kittens!

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Mack Nuggets


Here’s what I’ve been up to on BOBfm lately, including:

A first car quirk.
Out of Africa.
When Darren fell off his bike.
Donald Trump upsets Simon.
Sport on the public highway.
University students being used by militant university lecturers.
The themed hotel with attention to detail.
Global warming.
Bee rustling.

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Control Freaks



A lot of people voted for Brexit so that Britain could, “take back control” but what does control look like?

Right now, politicians from both sides are trying to make it look like Britain can control Brexit. There’s a lot of talk about the customs union. Which is a thing that means all EU countries agree to charge the same import duties as each other to allow free trade between member states.

Labour wants us to stay in the customs union after Brexit, the Tories don’t want that. Both sides are trying to make us think that Britain has some kind of choice.

Hey, we voted to leave. That means we’re leaving the EU no matter what, so we don’t get to have a say in what kind of deal we get. We’ve got no bargaining chip, no leverage. The EU will decide on the terms of Brexit, not us.

Last month European Union government ministers warned Britain that we cannot expect to have a say in EU decision-making once we leave, including during a transition period from next year.

So we won’t get a say on the deal to leave and once we’re out, we won’t get any say on anything at all.

The government has now admitted that it will have to follow EU product regulations for goods and components, and EU food, environment, health and safety standards so it can keep trading with the single market. The only change is that London won’t get any say in setting those rules and standards after we leave.

Britain will have regained the power, in theory, to tear up EU regulations — but only if we choose not to sell our goods and services to the European Union market. The EU buys 40 percent of our exports. In other words, we will have, “taken back control” of the right to commit economic suicide.

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London Calling


London Calling

In the latest episode of my show for America:

A first car quirk inspired by Lord Alan Sugar.
The reason the world is out of whack right now.
The leader gets thrown out of the political party of self-harm.
An Out of Africa experience.
The British pub that sells groceries.
How India has ripped off the world for the benefit of the United Arab Emirates.
Businesses that allow employees to smoke right outside the public entrance.
Why Britain’s university students should stand up to their militant lecturers.
Daren goes to the hospital.
Donald Trump upsets Simon.
Ben gets some marital advice.
Jane’s diet.
Christians who don’t save atheists.

Listen to Episode 59 of London Calling here;

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We Are Family



Working at a radio station is like being part of a family. If you’re lucky, it’s a healthy family but sometimes you can find yourself in a dysfunctional family.

I’ve been reading a lot lately about parents with a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic parents become envious of, and threatened by, their child’s growing independence. They consider a child to exist solely to fulfil the parent’s wishes and needs. If the child doesn’t comply, the parent will withhold love.

The more I read about the dynamics of families with narcissistic parents, the more I realise that in the past, I’ve worked at radio stations where the boss has had very similar characteristics.

Narcissistic parents have to be the centre of attention, everything has to be about them. They are incapable of unconditional love. If they say they “love” their child, they really only love how the child brings attention to them. They “love” their child in the same way they love a new car, they love the status and attention it brings to them.

Narcissistic parents choose one of their children to be the “Golden Child” and another to be the “Scapegoat”. The Golden Child can do no wrong and the Scapegoat is blamed for everything that is not right in the narcissistic parent’s life.

I’ve seen that at radio stations. Usually when a new Breakfast show host arrives, they’re treated as the Golden Child and it’s clear that the person they’re replacing was the Scapegoat.

Narcissistic parents will sometimes switch the roles. If the Golden Child starts to question the parent and make it uncomfortable for them, a new Golden Child will be chosen. I’ve seen this at radio stations too. Often a Golden Child becomes a scapegoat when a new boss arrives at the station. One radio station I worked at got sold and the new owners wanted to cut costs. As the Golden Child Breakfast Show host was earning a lot more than the other air staff, they quickly became the Scapegoat. Instead of the problem simply being about money, the new Scapegoat started getting blamed for almost everything that was wrong at the radio station, even though their ratings were consistently high. Less than twelve months earlier, the radio station had paid a lot of money to make a high production TV commercial for the Breakfast Show but when the new owners came in and the boss was told to reduce expenditure, a new much cheaper Golden Child was chosen and given the Breakfast Show, even though they had no Breakfast radio experience, they could do no wrong. The new Scapegoat didn’t have their contract renewed.

The rotating scapegoat role can become institutionalised in a family with a controlling parent. The parent is a perfectionist who believes that there’s a “right” and a “wrong” way of doing things, and they want everything “just so.” When things don’t go as planned, they need a person to blame it on, other than themselves. Controlling parents rarely concede that it’s their mistake that prompted whatever it is they’re calling a disaster. So when the dog gets out and digs up the neighbour’s garden, it’s going to be Adam or Leanne who takes the fall for not latching the door, and that will prompt either or both children to rat on each other. Controlling people want there to be a reason bad things happen and someone to pin it on. Let’s say the family car gets vandalised in the driveway. A reasonably well-adjusted person is irritated, but figures this was the work of random thugs. Not so the controller, who discovers that when Nancy came home, she didn’t leave the porch light on. Voila! She’s an instant Scapegoat, as the parent focuses on the cover of darkness without which the thugs wouldn’t have acted. Yes, the vandalism becomes Nancy’s “fault” in this particular household.

Narcissistic parents trivialise the achievements the Scapegoat. I’ve seen this at radio stations. I worked at a radio station once where a Scapegoat won a major industry award in their first year at the station. This was this person’s first award after working in the industry for a long time. The narcissist boss, told the Scapegoat that the award came too soon. The scapegoat replied with, “It took eighteen years!”.

From what I’ve read, the only way to cope with narcissistic abuse and avoid the pain it causes is to go, “no contact”. That means having nothing to do with the narcissist in your life. That’s difficult to do in a family situation but if your livelihood depends on it, it’s impossible until you have another job to go to.

I hope you never experience narcissistic abuse first-hand. If you do, you need to get out of that toxic environment as soon as you can, it’s not healthy.

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The university students of Britain should stand up against the University And College Union.

Lecturers have gone on strike over cuts to their pensions. Sally Hunt, the General Secretary of the University And College Union said, ”If you will not give us what we need, which is a reasonable pension, we will not do what we reasonably would normally do which is teach and help all the students of this county. Until we get this sorted out, I’m afraid that students are going to have to anticipate serious disruption”.

I don’t get it, their beef is with Universities UK, not the students, why are the students being punished?

Sally’s threat sounds sinister to me. It sounds like parents having a fight with one parent saying if they don’t get their own way, they’ll take it out on the kids.

All of the people who I’ve met who work as teachers or used to be teachers say they LOVE teaching but they HATE all of the box ticking, reports and paperwork they have to do for their higher-ups. Why don’t they just refuse to do all of that stuff, instead of taking it out on the students?

The bizarre thing is some students are supporting the striking lecturers and have even joined them on the picket lines. Why are you supporting them? They’re not supporting you!

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Julie and I moved to Britain from Australia in February 1997, so I could present the Breakfast Show on 2CRFM in Dorset. Since then, we’ve lived in every region of England, because I’ve presented radio programs in the North West, North East, West Midlands, East Midlands, South West, South East and South Coast. You’ve got to go where the work is, so we’ve moved around a lot and we’ve always rented.

Now, we’re very close to buying somewhere. We’ve looked at a nice place that’s being built in a new development of apartments. If all goes well, we could be in by May.

So after 21 years here, it looks like we might be staying.

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What’s going on with UKIP?

Here’s my favorite tweet this week, it’s from Nick Walker, “I’m about halfway through a bottle of Fairy washing up liquid that has outstayed three UKIP leaders”.

The UK Independence party has had seven leaders since 2011.

UKIP exist because it’s Eurosceptic , they campaigned for Brexit, meaning their MEPs will lose their cushy jobs. UKIP have 19 Members of the European Parliament. Each one is paid £6,4537 a month. Why did UKIP campaign to leave the EU if it means they’ll have no MEPs? They don’t have ANY MPs in Westminster.

UKIP’s leadership choices have been bizarre lately. Paul Nuttall’s past was called into question, Henry Bolton dated a lady who’s sent a racist message and the current leader of the party (on an interim basis), Gerard Batten, is a bloke who has described Islam as a “Death Cult”.

Some people think UKIP is morally bankrupt but it’s also facing actual bankruptcy, after being told it must pay towards a £660,000 legal bill for a libel case it brought and lost.

Could it be that UKIP is a party of self-harm? Let’s just hope the Brexit they so desperately wanted doesn’t do that to Britain.

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Radio WeekI should be in Africa right now.

In May I got an email from a bloke called “James” asking me how much I would charge to speak at “Radio Week” in Uganda. Apparently it’s a three day conference for people working at radio stations in East Africa. It’s taking place right now at the Imperial Royale Hotel in Kampala.

I almost deleted the email at first because it did have the look and tone of the famous email from the Nigerian Prince, who wants to give all of his money away. I did some research and found out that a British radio consultant I’ve met a few times spoke at the same event last year, so I emailed him and asked him how much I should charge. He said he’d done it for free. That should have been a red flag. I made up a fee that would cover what it would cost me to take a week off work and emailed James back.

James replied with an email that said they were happy with the fee and, “We will wire it to you a month before the conference. We will take care of your flights (I will personally pick you up from the airport), accommodation, plus airport transfers. You can go ahead and confirm the dates”.

So I booked this week off from the Breakfast show at BOBfm and my Sunday morning show at BBC Radio Merseyside.

James said they wanted me to talk about how to get people to call in to radio stations. I presented a talk on that at Next Radio at the Royal Institution in London a couple of years ago.

That talk was only eight and a half minutes long, James said they wanted me to do 45 minutes in Uganda, so I prepared a speech and illustrated it with audio examples. For the past few weeks I’ve been rehearsing it at home every day in front our two cats.

About six weeks ago I had vaccinations for typhoid, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, cholera, yellow fever, rabies, meningitis, and influenza. That cost me over £300, then I had to spend another £50 on malaria tablets and insect repellent. I forget what it cost me for a visa but a couple of days after applying for one online, I got an email saying my application had been deferred because they needed to see a copy of a letter inviting me to the conference to speak. That’s when things got interesting.

I emailed James and asked him to reply with an invitation letter attached. A week later I emailed again and he replied saying he’d send it the next day. I heard nothing for another week so I called him and left a message. A couple of days later I rang again and left another message. A week later, I got hold of James on the phone and he assured me I was still booked and he would send the letter asap. I heard nothing for a week so I emailed again asking if the flights from Heathrow to Entebbe had been booked. Another week of unanswered emails and voicemails later I eventually got hold of James on the phone and he assured me I was still booked but a different “James’ was now handling things and I had to email him. I emailed “New James” and heard nothing. By now it was less than a month before the conference and there was no sign of any money being wired to me.

I noticed on the Radio Week website that an American consultant I’d met at a conference in Chicago a couple of years ago was booked to speak, so contacted him through Linkedin. He said he had just got an email from “New James” (who he’d never dealt with before) saying he’d been cancelled because they couldn’t afford him. He’d already booked and paid for his flights. After cancellation fees, vaccinations and his visa he lost over $1000.

I contacted another American speaker who was shown on the website. He’d been told they couldn’t afford him either and asked him if he could do his talk via Skype. This morning he said he hasn’t heard anything from them and I noticed he’s disappeared from the website now so that’s the end of his involvement in Radio Week too.

A couple of days ago I tweeted, “Two days to go till @radioweekug in Africa. I haven’t heard from the organisers for weeks, don’t have a visa or plane tickets. Looks like I took a week off work for nothing. They still have my picture on the website though”.

Bizarrely, not only did @radioweekug “like” that tweet, they re-tweeted it!

Then I got a Twitter message from a bloke from another African country who was booked to speak. He said, “Am in Uganda stay at a horrible hotel”. I messaged him back, told him I wasn’t going to be there and how one speaker lost over $1000 and got this, “Oh my word explains why we are staying in a shity hotel was made to pay 40 dollars”.

Then I got a Twitter message from a radio consultant in Australia. He said he got messed about by Radio Week last year and so did another American radio consultant and neither of them ended up going.

So I it turns out that I was right to be sceptical when I got that first email. It looks like the Nigerian Prince may have a couple of mates in Uganda and they’re both named James.

If you are reading this in a country where you have typhoid, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, cholera, yellow fever, rabies, meningitis, and malaria and you’d like me to speak for 45 minutes about how to get people to call into radio stations, let me know. I don’t want to waste these vaccinations, would love to flaunt my immunity, offset the £350 I’m out and get a better response than I’m getting from these cats!


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Ever wonder why the world is out of whack right now?

Donald Trump is the President, North and South Korea are competing TOGETHER in the Winter Olympics and there’s a sports car in space!

It’s all because we’re living in a parallel universe. The proof is a thing called “The Mandela Effect”. That’s the name that’s been given to those weird things that we’re certain we remember in a certain way and it turns out they never actually happened that way.

The name of the theory comes from people who feel certain they can remember Nelson Mandela dying while he was still in prison. Mandela’s actual death was on Dec. 5, 2013. Some people claim to remember seeing clips of his funeral on TV in the 80s.

Now I don’t remember a Mandela funeral before 2013 but there is some other freaky stuff going on that I do remember differently to the way the evidence shows it actually was.

Remember the TV show from the late 90s, early 2000s about a sex columnist, and her three friends exploring Manhattan’s dating scene? What was the name of that show? “Sex In The City”, Right? – Wrong! The show was called “Sex AND The City”.Sex And The City

How about that film, “Interview With A Vampire”? Well that’s not what it’s called. The title is actually, “Interview With THE Vampire.

How about the Queen in Snow White, what did she say when she was standing in front of the magic mirror? If you think it was, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” you’ve been transported here from another dimension. In this universe, she said “Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?”

What does Darth Vader say when he tells Luke Skywalker that he’s his dad. It’s “Luke, I am your father” isn’t it? That’s not what Darth Vader said. He actually said, “NO, I am your father.”

Captain Kirk NEVER said “Beam me up Scotty” and Humphrey Bogart never said, “Play it again Sam”, Hannibal Lecter never said “Hello, Clarice” and Forrest Gump never said “Life is like a box of chocolates.” He actually said, “Life WAS like a box of chocolates.”

Now picture the man on the Monopoly board. The bloke with the top hat holding a bag of money. He’s called Rich Uncle Pennybags. He has a monocle, doesn’t he? – Well, he doesn’t, never has.


If you still don’t think you’re living in a parallel universe, let me ask you this; What is the very last line of the Queen song, “We Are The Champions”? The line that starts with, “No time for losers…” If you think the song’s final line is “No time for losers, ’cause we are the champions…of the world!” Guess what? There is no, “of the world!” The song just ends with, “we are the champions”

If you are sure that you’ve heard it otherwise in the past then you fell through a wormhole into a parallel universe and now when you look back in time you’ll find that this universe’s history is slightly different to how it was in the universe you remember. In the universe you came from, Sex was IN the city, there was an interview with A vampire, Darth called his son by his name, life IS like a box of chocolates and Queen where the champions of the world right till the end of the song.

That might all sound far fetched but it’s more likely than Donald Trump being President, North and South Korea competing together in the Winter Olympics and a private company blasting a red sports car in space!


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The Indians and Arabs are going to Mars.

India has teamed up with The United Arab Emirates. In two years time they’re going to send a probe to the red planet. Their ultimate goal is colonisation.

The UAE and India might sound like a strange partnership but it makes sense. If you want to conquer space, you need two things. The first is money, to quote the movie ‘The Right Stuff’, “no bucks, no Buck Rogers”. The next thing you need is expertise. Well the UAE have plenty of money and India has loads of expertise. The Indian Space Research Organisation has launched hundreds of satellites and put them in orbit around earth, the moon and Mars.

The thing that doesn’t make sense is that to get all of that expertise, India needed money to do it. Maybe India should have been spending that money to tackle poverty. According to the World Bank, the world has 872.3 million people below the new poverty line, of which 179.6 million people live in India. In other words, India with 17.5% of total world’s population, has a 20.6% share of world’s poorest people.

Britain and loads of other countries have been sending billions in aid to India for a long time. Meanwhile India has been developing a space program which is now helping The United Arab Emirates, while poor Indians are starving.

The politicians in India and around the world who allowed this to all to happen should be sent on the first one-way trip to Mars.


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London Calling


Tony Hendra

In the latest episode of my show for America, Tony Hendra the English writer and actor, talks about how he went from wanting to be a monk to becoming a satirist, working with Graham Chapman from Monty Python, moving to America in the 60s, opening for Lenny Bruce, appearing on the Ed Sullivan show and Sean Lennon’s reaction to his John Lennon parody.

As well as that, Jane checks in from North Yorkshire to talk about cars, the school principal that has banned kids from having boyfriends and girlfriends, cheap weddings, fake news from the Pope, the solution to Britain’s housing crisis, an amazing coincidence, life imitates art in Pisa, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri is rubbish, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump have a lot in common, Mexican food, a Scottish breakup story, Siri doesn’t work, generation useless and I Didn’t Start The Fire.

Listen to London Calling, Episode 58, here;


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There’s a sports car on the way to Mars!

It’s the most exciting thing to happen in space since we sent people to the moon. I watched the launch of the SpaceX Falcon Heavy last night and it was mind blowing.

When the two booster rockets landed simultaneously it looked like a scene from Thunderbirds. When the fairing detached at the top of the main rocket and revealed that the payload was a Tesla Roadster with a dummy in a space suit at the wheel, well what can you say?

Thank you Elon Musk, this is what space flight should be all about, entertainment! Since they stopped playing golf and driving a car on the moon, NASA has been boring.

It’s not just me that’s excited by all of this, the SpaceX launch was the number one trending news story at this morning. Unfortunately Sky news must be run by a bunch of boring stiffs because SpaceX wasn’t their lead story. They went with, “The Prime Minister is facing calls to reject a Brussels bid to potentially limit Britain’s market access after 2019”. That story didn’t make their own top ten trending stories! Sky News are massively out of touch with what real people are interested in.

The Sky story was also inaccurate, on their website this morning, they said, “David Bowie’s Space Oddity playing on lift off”. It wasn’t, it was David Bowie’s “Life On Mars” (The BBC news website got that wrong as well).

By sending a sports car to Mars, Elon Musk has worked out that if you’re in the business of firing rockets into space, you’re not in the science business, you’re in showbusiness. You’ve got to give the people what they want and we want to be entertained.

SpaceX knows how to put on a show. Sky News, you need to learn how to do that too. I don’t know how to break it to you boring news stiffs at Sky but you’re in show business as well!

The SpaceX story is the most read story on your own website, the Brexit story didn’t even make the top ten, how could you lead with Brexit when A SPORTS CAR HAS BEEN LAUNCHED INTO SPACE AND IS ON ITS WAY TO MARS!!!!!!!!

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Mack Nuggets


Here’s what I’ve ben up to on BOBfm lately, including:

The talking whale.
Stories of coincidence.
Siri doesn’t work.
How to fix Britain’s trains.
Who has the biggest red button?
A school trip story.
Lana Del Rey is a thief and so is Radiohead.
Is Theresa May the worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had?
Stuff left behind
Free speech under attack in Britain.
Dumb things parents say.
Cheese rolling ends in Stilton.
Crazy thing seen on the road.
An amazing coincidence.
Siri still doesn’t work.
Generation useless.
I Didn’t Start The Fire.

Craic on!

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