How an air-conditioning mechanic in Sydney Australia became an award winning broadcaster in Britain; Part 195.


It’s one of the most awkward things I’ve ever heard amplified through a public address system.

Sometimes I’ve been forced to work with people who have very little self awareness. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have anything to do with these people. The problem is no one knows that, they think I chose to associate with these half-wits.

Radio is a cool, intimate medium that works on a one-to-one basis. Some of the best broadcasters make you feel like you’ve got a really interesting friend. Unfortunately this same medium attracts a number of people who don’t know this. I’m talking about the cheesy dee-jays who have an end-of-the-pier, shouty, “Ello boys and girls, mums and dads!” kind of delivery. They’re the kind of people who, in real life, I would cross the street to avoid.

Shouty cheesebots LOVE live events. Their favourite thing is being on a stage, holding a microphone and standing in front of people. Their lack of self awareness prevents them from realising that they look like a pillock. They’ve got nothing to say. They’re more interested in how they sound than what they’re saying. To have their voice amplified to a level where it’s now as loud in everyone else’s ears as they have it in their studio headphones, is their idea of heaven.

I had to work with one of these dickheads in 2009. I was the host of the Breakfast Show at TFM on Teesside. I was booked as part of the entertainment at the start of the annual ‘Race For Life’. It’s a great event, where thousands of ladies get together for a fun run to raise money for cancer research. I don’t know exactly where he came from but I think he was part of a package the organisers got when they booked the outdoor sound system.

This bloke was like the bus in the movie ‘Speed’. He thought that if he didn’t keep talking at more than fifty miles an hour, he would explode. He’d not prepared anything to say, so waved his arms about shouting, “Make some noise”, “Race For Life”, “How exciting is this?”.

It was Cheesy’s job to introduce me. Before he did that, he decided that audience participation was in order, so in true pantomime style he split the crowd down the middle and shouted, “I want all of the people on this side to shout, ‘Beat!’ then all of the people on this side reply with, ‘Cancer!’.

He conducted the chant about five times while telling each side to shout louder than the other. We now had a stereophonic shouting contest that panned left to right and went, “Beat!…Cancer!, Beat…Cancer!”. Then just before he introduced me onto the stage, he pointed to the people on his right and in front of around 10,000 women, some of whom had survived cancer and others that were raising money in memory of people they’d lost to the disease, he shouted…

“I think ‘Cancer’ was the winner!”

Craic on!

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