Mack’s Craic
Euro Visionary
FIFA can learn a lot from the Eurovision Song Contest. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of Eurovision, the whole idea seams a bit silly to me. It doesn’t help that the music’s rubbish, the costumes are silly and it goes on way too long, but the thing I really like about it is how the ultimate prize for the winning country is that they get to host the next one.
We should do that with the World Cup. Right now if your country wants to host the World Cup, you have to spend millions on your bid and bribe the right people. It’s a complete waste of money for the losing bidders and given that the hosts get automatic qualification, a bit daft as well. The financial rewards for the host country are obvious so instead of corruption, skullduggery and ‘favors’, how about using FOOTBALL to decide? The winners of the World Cup should be the next hosts four years later.
If the winners got to host, all of that money wasted on losing bids could be ploughed into the game instead. To host the world’s biggest single sporting event, you’d have to make sure your national side was eventually the best in the world. That would mean sustained investment at a grass routes level. As the standard of our home grown players went up, fewer foreign players would have to be brought in. The world champions will also get the home advantage meaning the team that beats them in the final really would be the undisputed champions of the world. Imagine how much more support there’d be for England if winning the World Cup meant you’d get to see World Cup football played at football grounds in England four years later!
We wouldn’t need a ‘bid team’ to travel the world sucking up to old men in suits. Lord Triesman, Lord Coe and Prince William could stay at home. Terry Leahy, the chief executive of Tesco, could concentrate on making sure that ‘every little helps’, Karen Brady could focus on The Apprentice and we’d see a lot less of has-been Manchester United players like David Beckham and Bobby “two together anywhere in the ground” Charlton.
Of course the ‘Eurovision Solution’ will only work if they leave the singing and the costumes to the fans!
Craic on!
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Tags: Eurovision, FIFA, Football, Graham Mack, Radio
Mack’s Craic
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
I’ve got a bump on my head. It’s not much bigger than a zit but I went to the doctors about it anyway. She referred me to a specialist and I went to see him this week. He walked in, looked at my paperwork and declared, “You’re exactly three months older than me.” Then he added, “But you’ve got more hair.” What exactly was I supposed to say to that, “sorry”?
Talking of heads, I see that Winston Churchill is going to have his on the new five pound note. I hope this helps school children realize that Churchill was Britain’s great wartime leader and not the dog on the insurance adverts!
They’re saying that we’ll start calling these new fivers “Winnies”. I can’t see that catching on, I remember when the Duke of Wellington was on them and they said we’d be calling them “Wellies”, we didn’t. When Florence Nightingale was on them, we didn’t call them “Florences” either. I know in the United States that the twenty dollar bill is sometimes called a “Jackson” because President Jackson is on them but in this country we don’t name money after who’s on it. The closest we got was the old sixpence, which was called a “Tanner” because the artwork was designed by John Sigismund Tanner (It had nothing to do with Elsie in Coronation Street). My favorite name that didn’t catch on here was when the pound coin was introduced in 1983. Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister and some people wanted to call the new coin a “Maggie” because it’s ‘hard and brassy and thinks it’s a sovereign’.
Anyway, back to my head. The specialist had a look at the lump and said, “I want to cut it out.” I said, “fine”. He looked at me sideways as if I didn’t understand what he’d just said. I said, “Hey, you’re the expert, if you want to cut it out, go ahead”. Then he said, “You know, we’ll have to shave that part of your head”. I said, “You’ve got a real THING about me having more hair than you, haven’t you?” He didn’t laugh.
Anyway, I’m glad Winston Churchill will be on the new five pound note. If it wasn’t for him Germany would be running Europe now… Oh, wait a minute….
Craic on!
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Mack’s Craic
Racing Uncertainty
“You’re actually quite BORING in real life, aren’t you?” That’s what a listener to my radio show told me over lunch once. When he said that, I was hurt. I couldn’t understand why someone would say something so insensitive to my face.
This all happened over ten years ago and now I think I understand exactly what he meant and why he said it. Before I explain, let me tell you about that day, which was the first and last time I saw this bloke.
The environment was formal. It wasn’t a pub lunch in a rowdy, town centre watering hole. This was the poshest silver service restaurant at the local racecourse on a race day. I was wearing a shirt and tie because you weren’t allowed in without one.
I was uncomfortable because I realized during the lunch that I’d failed to prepare a proper exit strategy. I’d mistakenly agreed to meet him at his house then we’d traveled to the racecourse together in HIS car. There was no way I could make my excuses and leave when I wanted to. And it wasn’t just a meal; it was an entire afternoon of racing. This was a hostage situation.
Back then, I was presenting an edgy Breakfast Show on a commercial radio station in the Midlands. It was a show where we’d blown things up in a microwave, made prank phone calls and on more than one occasion had naked people in the studio. That morning like every other week-day morning, I’d got up before 4am, presented four hours of live on-air chaos, then sat through two lively meetings planning crazy stuff for the next day. A nice relaxing afternoon with someone who I thought would be interesting to listen to really appealed to me. This bloke was a successful businessman who used to be a professional footballer. I was expecting HIM to be the life and soul of the party, after all he’d invited ME, not the other way around. I was expecting tales of great business deals he’d done and sporting anecdotes from years gone by. I felt more than a little bit ripped off myself! I wanted to tell him how boring HE was, but I was too polite. As I now realize, it was my restraint that was the actual problem.
I was on my best behavior because that’s how we all are with people we meet for the first time, especially in a formal environment. We only relax with friends and when we’re in comfortable situations. The older the friendship and the more comfortable the surroundings are, the more badly behaved we become. If a stranger tells you it’s their birthday and how old they are, you congratulate them. If a friend tells you, you’ll more than likely make fun of their age and make a joke about how they look much older.
When I’m on the radio I behave as if the listener is a close friend. To me that’s exactly what they are. It goes beyond a “suspension of disbelief”, I have to truly believe I’m talking to a friend to be able to do what I do. I’m comfortable in a radio studio and talk on the air and to callers the same way I do with my closest friends, sometimes I’m not very polite on purpose. Radio is an intimate medium, it works by making people believe that we have a close connection that doesn’t really exist.
This bloke must have bought into it completely. On that day he couldn’t work out why his “friend” was treating him like a stranger, that must have hurt.
Craic on!
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Mack’s Craic
Rust in peace
I’ve been on so many radio stations lately I’m getting confused. It doesn’t help that some days I’ve been on one radio station in the morning and a different one in the afternoon. I’ve found myself asking, “Am I on the radio now?” In the car yesterday approaching some traffic lights, they changed to red, I saw the red light come on and without thinking gave a time call and weather forecast! I can’t listen to the radio in the car anymore because whenever a long song comes on, I start thinking I’m missing a great chance to go to the toilet. Mind you, thinking I might be on the radio does have it’s advantages, I now tell tele-sales people, “I’m sorry, you’re not the right caller!”
It’s amazing what you see as you travel around this little country of ours. The other day I saw the rustiest, crappiest fifty year old Triumph Herald parked on the side of the road. The funny thing was it had a huge red Club-lock on the steering wheel. I’m guessing the owner didn’t want anyone to steal the Club-lock! Those things are expensive!
The more I think about my life right now, filling in on radio stations all over the UK, the more I realize I’ve become the radio equivalent of a supply teacher. If you’ve been listening, please don’t mess with me like we used to with supply teachers at our school. I know there’s no such thing as “No homework Tuesday”, I know who drew the willy on the blackboard and if I catch anyone super gluing ANYTHING, I’ll make you ALL stay back during your lunch time. The good news is, if you behave nicely and finish all of your work on time, we can play hangman!
Craic on!
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Tags: Graham Mack, News, Radio, Talk
Mack’s Craic
Social Insecurity
I’m not a fan of social media, by that I mean Facebook. I prefer Twitter, which people keep calling social media but it isn’t. Twitter is a “micro blogging site” and I like blogging. I just can’t be bothered with Facebook, so I’ve linked my Twitter feeds to it. Now all of my tweets end up on there without me having to do anything. What I don’t get about Facebook is how I have so many “friends”. I don’t know most of these people, how can they be my friend? On Twitter I have, “followers”, that’s much better! Derelict buildings and parks have “friends” but “followers are what Gandhi, Christ and the Dalai Lama have, so I’m with them.
Well now there’s a new thing coming out, it’s a Facebook phone. I don’t know what the point of that is or how it works. I hope it doesn’t mean that people who pretend to be my friend can call and bother me!
Now that I’ve successfully combined Twitter with Facebook, maybe I should go all the way and combine them both with Youtube and create one massive time-wasting website called “YouTwitFace”!
Can you believe it’s Spring? I asked people who listen to me on Jack FM to call and tell me “Ways to tell it’s ACTUALLY Spring”. My favorites included, “That thing on Elton John’s head has lost it’s winter coat”, “Autumn fashions have appeared in the shops” and “Owners of garden centers are so excited they’ve wet their plants!” but the best one of all was, “You can tell it’s ACTUALLY Spring because George Osborne is parking a CONVERTIBLE in disabled spaces!”
Talking of cars, new figures show we’re using a lot less petrol and diesel these days. Consumption has been falling since 2007. I bet that’s why fuel has never been more expensive. Cars are more efficient so the fuel companies have had to put the price up so they don’t miss out. So thank you Toyota Prius drivers, happy now?
The first mobile phone call was made forty years ago this week. I bet it went something like this, “Can you hear me now…? How about now…?”. I’m pretty sure the first mobile phone call most people made was to their mother and went, “Guess where I am…?”
It turns out that some cod and haddock being sold in Britain is being mislabeled. When it says “cod” it could actually be cod-cod and when it says “haddock” that could be a load of pollocks! After what happened over meat mis-labeling, I just hope it’s not seahorse meat!
The more I think about my dislike of social media, the more I realize that I’d prefer “anti-social media”. Maybe I should develop a site where I can list people I don’t want to have anything to do with and call it, “Get-out-of-my-Facebook”.
Craic on!
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Tags: Facebook, Graham Mack, Media, News, Spring, Twitter, You Tube
Mack’s Craic
Radio Ga Ga
I’ve been working on the air at a lot of different radio stations around the UK lately and it’s been quite a steep learning curve. Next week, it’ll be twenty-one consecutive days broadcasting on five different radio stations, all in different parts of the country and sometimes two stations in different cities on the same day.
Each radio station has its own quirks and twice I’ve been caught out by the double glazing that separates studios. At Jack FM in Southampton, I looked through the glass into a darkened room and got the fright of my life when a bald head popped up and looked back at me. It was the presenter on a different radio station in the same building. He liked to work in the dark and as I like as much light as possible in the studio, I bet my frightened face looked scarier to him than his did to me. It was a lot like that scene in Jaws when they’re diving on the wreck of that sunken boat at night and a severed head bobs into shot. I reacted the same way as I did when I first saw the film but unlike that night in 1975 at the ABC Cinema in Warrington, I didn’t drop my Kia-Ora Orange. The other time a studio’s double glazing caught me out this week was even more embarrassing but I’ll save that till the end of this Craic.
Broadcast mixing desks are all set up differently. If the microphone fader is on the left at one station, I can almost guarantee it’ll be on the right at the next one. BBC stations use a different computer playout system to commercial stations and each station has its own format with tight time windows that you have to hit for live crosses to weather and traffic reporters. These windows are at different “standard” times in different hours on each station but bizarrely are often the same reporters. Every station has it’s own on-air phone and text numbers for me to memorize or write down on a piece of paper that I fumble for with seconds to spare before I give them out on the air and the pronunciation of local place names follows no common rules.
The hardest thing is doing two shows on different stations in one day. Apart from the driving, I have to switch mindsets from the one in the morning to the one in the afternoon. They can have very different formats. Some shows I do, like Drivetime on BBC London 94.9, are all speech and news, covering very serious topics. I’ll interview cabinet ministers live from Westminster and the victims of crime, but others like Jack FM are mostly music and I’m expected to add comedy. Sometimes what I do on the air is so different that I bet if you listened to two of my shows online on the same day, you’d think there must be two broadcasters called Graham Mack.
OK, so that other time I got caught out by studio double glazing? At BBC Hereford and Worcester I saw a familiar face on the other side of the glass, waved, then realized I was waving at my own reflection!
Craic on!
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Tags: BBC, FM, Graham Mack, jack, Radio
Mack’s Craic
Dim Wit!
Dimmer switches annoy me. They’re a device that stops lights from working properly. Nowadays lights are all compact fluorescents so they don’t work as well as real light bulbs anyway. Why would you dim something that’s already dim? My car has a dimmer switch on the dashboard light! I have never been dazzled by my dashboard! The dimmer switch is there to solve a problem that never existed!
I’ll tell you what else annoys me, the steel box built around the toilet roll in public toilets. For over a hundred years, toilet roll was dispensed on-demand by the simple toilet roll holder. Now you can’t get any more that one sheet of paper at a time. And it’s not like they save paper, you still use the same amount, it just takes longer!
While I’m talking about public toilets, hot air hand driers in fast food places annoy me as well. They don’t dry your hands, they just deafen you. Have the people that make these machines got any idea how jarring that noise is in an echoey fast food restaurant toilet? It’s not what you want to hear just after a peaceful unburdening. And they don’t work! They sound like a Rolls Royce RB211 jet engine but what comes out feels like an old lady breathing on you! Have they been “dimmed”? Was it to stop E-Coli and Staph bacteria being spread around the washroom as an aerosol? That’ll happen anyway because you end up shaking your wet hands before eventually drying them on your clothes. How hygienic can that be? Well I refuse to use them now. I just go out into the restaurant, grab some napkins and dry my hands on them. I say grab SOME because those napkin dispensers are specially designed to either give you half a ripped napkin or fifty of them!
The thing that annoys me most though is double doors. There was a time when I would ask myself, why do I always push the wrong door? But now I say, “Why has someone locked one of these doors?” A highly paid architect has decided THIS entranceway needs to be two doors wide but someone has decided the architect is wrong and has bolted one of the doors shut. What POSSIBLE advantage is there in locking one of the doors? If it’s a carpeted doorway, you’ll wear the carpet out quicker on the open door side. And what about the airlock set of two double doors where they’ve locked the diagonally facing opposite door on each side creating the double door airlock chicane? Of course you don’t know that going in and since the handles have been designed so you can’t tell if you’re supposed to push or pull, you end up pushing and pulling on each of the four doors in turn until through a process of elimination you crack the code.
I’ve had enough, so now I fight back. When I get to a set of double doors that has one locked, I unbolt the locked door at the top and the bottom so they’re both open. I’m a double-door vigilante, an incandescent light bulb in a world of compact fluorescents that have been dimmed!
Craic on!
Listen every Sunday morning 8 till 12 – 106 Jack FM
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Mack’s Craic
Driving me crazy!
Why can’t people leave things alone? When something is working perfectly well, there are always people determined to mess with it.
You used to be able to get a simple sandwich in this country but not now. There was a time when if you ordered a ham, chicken, cheese or tuna sandwich, that’s what you got. Not now though, now it comes with lettuce, watercress, tomato, onion, herbs and some kind of mystery “dressing”. Someone who thinks they know what you want better than you do, has decided when you said, “cheese”, you actually meant “salad” with a hint of grated cheese served on a type of bread you can’t pronounce covered with the seeds of a plant you’ve never heard of.
You can’t even order something as basic as a glass of water any more. Now it comes with ice and lemon. And don’t get me started on that dessert with a swirl they give you now instead of a cup of white coffee.
The same thing has happened to roundabouts. Once, they were the simplest of all intersections. All you had to do was give way to anyone who’s already on the roundabout, that’s all.
Eventually some genius fresh out of planning school decided that some roundabouts should have traffic lights on them. To me, that just says, “OK, we give up, let’s see how you go with coloured lights”. A roundabout with traffic lights on it is the duck-billed platypus of intersection evolution. If that wasn’t confusing enough, now we have roundabouts with “Temporary traffic lights”.
So now instead of just giving way to anyone who’s already on a roundabout, now you have to look out for traffic lights. If they’re there and they’re not working, you have to work out if they’re broken or just “temporary”.
And you have to do all this while not being distracted by the massive, rusty “sculpture” or giant running man made of chicken wire they’ve put in the middle of the roundabout! Yes, public “art” on roundabouts; nobody wants it and nobody appreciates it but we’re all paying for it, just like that jungle of lawn clippings between two pieces of focaccia that arrives after you ordered a cheese sandwich.
Craic on!
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Mack’s Craic
Yellow Alert
What is the point of yellow cars?
The papers made a big deal recently about Tom Cruise’ son Connor arriving at a fashion party in Los Angeles in a brand new yellow Lamborghini. They made more of the fact that it was a Lamborghini than it was a YELLOW Lamborghini.
If you can afford to buy a car that cost more than most people spend on a house, why would you buy a yellow one? You can get one that’s silver, black or red for the same price!
Yellow is a comedy colour, it’s not a good colour for a car. There’s a reason that new cars that break down a lot are called “lemons”. A man slipping on an orange peel has the same effect as slipping on a banana peel but the banana peel is funnier because it’s yellow.
Yellow is the colour of puke, puss, no parking and snow when it’s been peed on.
Yellow is not cool. The Beatles masterpiece album Revolver is ruined by Yellow Submarine, it was the colour of the ribbon Tony Orlando and Dawn tied around the old oak tree and Coldplay’s biggest hit was called “Yellow”.
It’s the colour of cowardice, wasps, dead leaves, and B roads on AA road maps.
He’s lucky he was driving his yellow car in LA. If he was in New York at night, he’d be dodging drunks running into the road trying to hail him.
Yellow is the color of visibility and caution. That’s why it’s used by rescue helicopters, radiation warning signs and football referees.
I tried to find cool cars that are yellow, there aren’t any. James Bond’s DB5 is silver, the Batmobile is black and Magnum, Starsky & Hutch and even the Monkees car was red.
The only yellow car that’s made it onto a TV show is the Trotter’s three wheel Reliant.
I bet when Del Boy finally became a millionaire it was the first thing he traded in.
Craic on!
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Tags: Connor Cruise, Graham Mack, Lamborghini, Radio
Mack’s Craic
Time Warp.
On April Fool’s Day it’s traditional for British newspapers to print a selection of bizarre, but just about believable, nonsense stories. Last year, bogus stories included an Irn-Bru tax for Scotland, a new Arsenal fragrance (that smells of the Emirates stadium) and news that Alesha Dixon was selected for the British Olympic Fencing team. April 1st is still weeks away but three stories recently made me wonder if I’d accidentally opened a portal into the future.
The first is that the Bank of England is considering an investment account that CHARGES interest instead of paying interest. The below zero rate would only apply to the main financial institutions. They would actually have to pay the Bank of England a fee for holding their money.
The second was an actual April Fool’s Day spoof story last year in the Mirror Online. They announced an extraordinary plan to create an exact replica of the Titanic. Now we hear that the Australian billionaire businessman Clive Palmer is planning to build Titanic II. What are the odds of the Mirror Online making up a story out of thin air and less than a year later it’s a real news story? You’d probably get better odds on Titanic II hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage!
The third story that’s made me check my calendar is also about chances, or to be more exact no chance at all. Lottery scratch cards whose £100,000 prizes have already been won are still on sale! The £2 cards are being sold in shops, supermarkets and petrol stations across the UK – despite the fact that all five top prizes have been claimed. The best bit of this story is that National Lottery operator Camelot says the scratch cards can legally remain on sale! Wow, even the boss of The Bank of England must be wishing he’d come up with that one!
Craic on!
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